Shades of Grey
by IceyRage123
Summary: "Nothing and no one could be truly "good" or "evil". Mecha who believe that can only be described as ignorant." Ch. 15 up
1. Chapter 1

Shades of Grey

There is no such thing as "black and white." Nothing and no one could be truly "good" or "evil". Mecha who believe that can only be described as ignorant. See, almost nobody ever thinks about shades of grey, about how every supposedly "good" mech has done horrible things to somebot else. Or how some "evil" mech has a beating Spark somewhere in them.

Take me as an example.

I'm a Seeker of the Decepticon Empire, designation Crossfire. I've done some...no, make that many things I'm not proud of. The faces of those I've killed in the name of Megatron and the Decepticons haunt me every time I power down for recharge. Every single time.

To an Autobot, I am an unfeeling monster, capable only of causing destruction and pain. They believe I have no mind of my own, that I am totally and utterly loyal to Lord Megatron and him alone. This is not true.

I had a sparkmate at one time to whom I was completely devoted, before I was...shall we say _enlisted_ into the Seeker armada. I'm now the Sire of a small sparkling. His Carrier had wanted to name him Freefall, so that's what I call him when no one else is within audial range; the rest of the 'Cons know him as Airstrike. He is three-fourths of a vorn old at the time of this writing. I love him with all my Spark, and I loved his Carrier as well. For him, I would rip a hole in the universe if I believed he would benefit from it.

Megatron plans to turn my creation into a soldier, cannon fodder for his admittedly pathetic cause. I don't plan on letting that happen. If I must, I will send him to live with a friend who just so happens to be an Aerialbot. At least that way, if it comes to it, Freefall will have other flight models around to teach him how to fly. That will spare him of having to grow up in a base or warship or wherever the slag I'm stationed at where no doubt dominating is power.

What I'm trying to get at here is if the Autobots would stop thinking in only black and white and consider the grey, maybe they wouldn't be so quick to place us "lowly Deceptiscum" in a single category. I've told my side of the story. The rest is up to whoever has found this entry to decide.

/AN This is my first story, if you can't tell. Please review and tell me what you think. Thnx.


	2. Chapter 2

Been a while, huh? Never thought I'd ever get around to updating this thing.

Don't own any names I mentioned you recognize. Unless someone else is using them too...

**Entry 2**

Things have gotten much worse since I last wrote. We are running out of soldiers. Oh, Megatron will never admit it for fear of reducing our already pitifully low morale, but we are losing too many of our..._recruits _on and off the battlefield. They're just too green to be placed with the more aggressive units. They should be gradually integrated one mission at a time, not thrown in the thick of battle with squad mates who don't have the decency to help them when they need it.

It's worse when they're on base. Recently, two of the Triplechangers attacked a recruit I had taken under my wing, so to speak. This youngling, and he _is _a youngling, had merely brushed up against that psychotic Blitzwing on his way to the Energon dispenser by mistake. I of course stepped in before they seriously injured him, but I wish I had done more than slammed them into the wall.

The mechling's fine now, though I can only guess how much time he has until he joins the Well with all the others. I know I'm beginning to sound like that Stunticon, but it's the sad truth.

Maybe I should take my sparkling away from here sooner rather than later.


	3. Chapter 3

Don't own.

**Entry 3**

I met with the friend I mentioned in one of my earlier entries last off-cycle. I had finally decided to send Freefall to live with the Autobots. I had to close off our bond when I left him, if only so he wouldn't offline with me if I were to fall in combat. As I was leaving, I heard the poor sparkling crying. I was so tempted to just run back and take him, but I didn't. Couldn't.

I know that it would have been better if I had just defected to the Autobots, but it'll be easier for me to give my friend a head's up to any plans to attack the place where they've hidden the sparklings and femmes if I stay.

I don't expect anyone to understand why I let Freefall go with him. If you've never been a Creator, then you have no idea what you're willing to do for your creation. It's just that simple.

It's strange though, to think I'll never see him take his first steps or hear his first words. I wonder who he will take after the most? His frame is just like mine, although the colors are like his Carrier's Creator, black and gold. Of course, that could change as Freefall gets older.

I'm hoping he gets Solarflare's intelligence, because Primus know I'm not all that bright, and from what I've seen from our relatively short time together, he already has it. I'm hoping he keeps her optic colors. It's a little selfish, but that would be the only way for me to recognize him, since not many mecha have bright gold optics.

Maybe one day, when the war's over, no matter who wins, I'll have the chance to tell him why I abandoned him. I'll understand if he'll hate me for it.

A/N I've read a couple of stories where it's required for the Transformers in both armies to change their optic colors to the standard blue and red respectively. In this, they're not.


	4. Chapter 4

**Entry 4**

Praxus fell last orn. Razed to the ground. I don't know which side won, honestly, but I sure as Pit know who lost. All those mecha... just _gone_. Like they were never there. I knew Lord Megatron wasn't pleased with how the talks with the Praxian officials (and the mafias that _really_ ran the place, no matter what their Senator says) were going, but I had no idea he was seriously willing to obliterate them.

To be fair though, the Autobots had also wanted the city-state for the location. It was right between Iacon and Kaon, with a direct trade route to both cities. I guess their Prime didn't want us to have it if they couldn't.

Our Air Commander assigned me to scout out the place before the battle with the recruit I mentioned before and his trine. The kids were ecstatic to see the great Praxus, even if it was an aerial view, having only heard stories about it.

I technically wasn't supposed to, but I took them on a little detour to see the Crystal Gardens from above. I figured they should see it at least once in their lives, and now I'm glad I did. They loved it. Their youngest, a mech called Flameout, actually asked if I could take them there again, on the ground so they could walk through it. I didn't know if I should tell him there probably wouldn't be much left after the battle, but I told him maybe after the war. Everything's always "after the war" now.

I haven't seen any of them since then. I'd heard an entire trine had gone down over the city when the anti-aircraft guns started firing, but I don't know if that was them. I sincerely hope they're still alive. Maybe I'll take an unauthorized flight over what's left of Praxus, if they did fall, so I can find the bodies. At least that way they'll get a warrior's farewell.

AN/ I know there's no real detail of the Battle of Praxus, but remember, this is only a journal. And a "warrior's farewell" is pretty much a prayer soldiers say over the bodies of their fallen comrades in case you didn't figure it out.


	5. Chapter 5

Don't own.

**Entry 5**

I found the youngling trine last off-cycle. They were indeed the ones that were shot down, but by some miracle, they had survived, albeit in need of repair. I did what I could right there and tried to hail someone on the comlink, but there was interference. Evidently, an Aerialbot patrol had been watching us and scrambled the signal.

The patrol turned out to be my friend and two of his more...composed brothers. They had been scouting for any survivors and had come across the kids, but made no move to go near them when they saw the Decepticon insignia. Honestly, I'm glad they didn't just shoot them where they were.

Gotta love Seeker coding.

The kids, Skyline, Cyclone, and Flameout, were surprised I knew Autobots, but they didn't question any of us about it. Skyline, the leader, just wanted to know when they could get back to base so a proper medic could take a look at them. However, my friend had other ideas.

He asked if they would like to switch over to the Autobots, insisting they would be far safer with them. I don't know if that's necessarily true, but at least they wouldn't have to worry about their throats being cut in their recharge. It took awhile, but eventually they agreed to go with them, for which I'm...well, not really happy about, but...well I don't know. Honestly, it's like losing Freefall all over again...little selfish, isn't it?

Anyway, before they left, I suggested they change their names and, once they got to an Autobot base, their coloring. Everybody agreed, and spent a bit of time choosing their new names. I left before I heard what they were. Didn't want to know in case I accidently let it slip they're still alive.

Once I returned to base, I put Flameout, Skyline, and Cyclone down on the KIA list, since there are no Decepticons that go by those names anymore.


	6. Chapter 6

Don't own.

**Entry 6**

Freefall is a vorn old today. A whole vorn. I can't believe it.

When Solarflare found out she was sparked, she was so happy. We had tried for a long time, and when it finally happened, she wanted to scream it from the rooftops. In all honesty, I had literally passed out from shock. When I came to, she laughed and told me yes, I'd heard that right when I asked. I promptly fell unconscious again.

Primus, that was embarrassing...and I really hope Soundwave's midgets don't ever get hold of this...

We were living in a pretty bad part of Polyhex, and Flare wanted to move back to Vos so the sparkling would have a relatively safe upbringing. Nobody with a sane processor would ever try to hurt a seekerling, considering how...protective Seeker creators were, but there were still lunatics that would attempt it, hence the move. My friend had helped me set up the apartment flat so Flare wouldn't have to do anything, which annoyed her to no end.

About halfway through, there were some complications and I had to take her to a medic. Let me tell you, that was one scary-aft fragger. He threatened to beat me over the helm for not bringing her in sooner and actually smacked my helm a few times, to Flare's amusement.

Anyway, the medic said the sparkling was trying to separate earlier than it was supposed to. He wanted to keep her there for observation, just to make sure nothing happens. We both figured that was all right, so I went home after a bit. Came online at I don't know what time with my Spark feeling like it was on fire. I went back to find out Freefall had separated in the middle of the off-cycle.

Flare was in a medical-induced coma and Freefall was in a bacta tank to help him get whatever he needed to develope normally. I sat for I don't know how long waiting for Flare to wake up. I think I prayed most of the time, even though I wasn't really all that religious. I'm still not.

When she finally got up, I was a bit, um, _enthusiastic_ in welcoming her back to the Land of Moving Parts. Nothing too graphic, but I think I gave the nurse a mental scarring he'll never forget. Heh, oops.

Everything was going great after that. Freefall was growing at a normal rate in the bacta and he was responding to the emotions we sent him over the Creator/Creation bond. I remember him looking right at me once when he was in there. Flare swore up and down he smiled at her when she went to see him.

Then Megatron took over Vos, using the Seeker Princes as his pawns, and my family fell apart not long after.

I miss Freefall and Solarflare. I wish I could hold him and tell him "Happy Sparkday" like my Creators used to. I wish Flare was still alive. But wishing doesn't change anything.

For what it's worth, happy Sparkday, little one.

A/N I put this poor guy through hell, didn't I? I kinda want to see if anyone will find the G1 reference.


	7. Chapter 7

Don't own. By the way, the medic in the last chapter wasn't Ratchet, who would have been somewhere in Iacon at that place in time. This one was just an annoyed Seeker medic.

**Entry 7**

The Energon supply is running low, and is decreasing as each day passes. This is across the entire planet, mind you. I give it about two deca-cycles, give or take, before it's all gone. I really don't know how Lord Megatron expects us to fight on less than half our usual rations.

Something's going to have to give. I don't know what, but somehow we're going to have to find a way to keep everybody fed. At last count, there are about 100,000 Decepticons left, which is pathetic considering half the planet's population joined us (forcibly or willingly) at the beginning of the war. Granted, there were only 2 billion Cybertonians of all builds, but you'd think more would have survived.

On an unrelated subject, I found one of the midgets in my quarters. He was rifling around my drawers when I came in after my shift. I literally kicked him out the door and checked the place to see if anything was missing and to look for bugs.

I didn't find any, and all my stuff was still here, but I'm going to have to be more careful.

I'd overheard the Command Trine talking about a possible traitor, although I have to say it was funny hearing _Commander_ _Starscream_ of all mechs complaining about it. Anyway, they said Soundwave believed it to be a Seeker, and although I haven't exactly done anything to hurt the Decepticons, I'm afraid he'll find out about...well, everything I've written.

I don't know if I should keep writing or not, but if the rumors about Soundwave are true, he won't have to read a datapad to find out what I've been doing. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.


	8. Chapter 8

Don't own. I don't know if this is right or not, but 1 deca-cycle equals 2 Earth weeks and an orn is 1 month. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. I felt a little weird typing this...

**Entry 8**

It's been 3 deca-cycles since I last wrote. An orn after the little blue cretin hacked into my quarters we were ordered to attack Polyhex, who had put up more of a fight than Praxus. To be fair, they knew we were coming. As it turns out, there really _was_ a spy, somebody called Ricochet. I think he was shot sometime after. I still can't figure out how Soundwave didn't know about him, but nobody is giving me dirty looks anymore. Well, no more than usual. (I still think Soundwave knows at least _some_ of what I've done, but for some reason he hasn't said anything.)

Needless to say Polyhex is now under Decepticon control. I'm supposed to be transferring there now, actually. I'll be moving out of Dark Mount in a deca-cycle, maybe less. At least I won't have to worry about Soundwave breathing down my neck. Not literally of course, but you get the idea.

There's another reason I'll be glad to get away from here: Slipstream.

That crazy femme has tried to get me in her berth for two orns now. I've repeatedly turned down her..._offer_ but she refuses to leave me alone. I don't know if it's Mating Protocols or what, but I've literally had to pry her hands (and the rest of her) off me a few times. A couple of the other Seekers say I should just give in, have a good time before I'm sent off to where there are few to no femmes in sight. But I just can't.

Even though she's gone, I still feel like I should be loyal to Solarflare. It's stupid, but...I don't know. And what if I did 'face with Slipstream and she became Sparked? I can't go through that again.

Maybe when the war's over, if I'm over Solarflare (or at least at the point where my Spark doesn't try to call out for her when I'm reminded of her by the tiniest thing) I can try to have a relationship with Slipstream. It can't last forever, and as much as I question the Decepticons, there's no way we can lose.

Right?


	9. Chapter 9

Don't own. (I'm sorry it's been so long.)

**Entry 9**

It's weird, being back in Polyhex. Everything is...almost exactly what I remember, destroyed buildings and lower population aside. I actually found mine and Solarflare's old apartment, the complex managing to have survived the battle. The place even has the same landlord, an old mech called Icon.

He remembers me and Flare, probably because we were the only Seekers he'd ever seen outside of Vos. Guy even asked how "tha' lil' sparkling" was. I told him Freefall was in a better place, deliberately implying he was dead. He told me he was sorry, but I swear I saw relief in his optics.

Even the Neutrals know about what happens to Decepticon sparklings. That says a lot.

Speaking of, when I first met up with Icon again, he looked disappointed when he got a glimpse of my insignia. He covered it up pretty quick, but I still saw it. Took everything I had not to tell him it wasn't my choice to be a 'Con. I don't know why I felt I had to explain myself.

Anyway, I've taken to going to see him once a deca-cycle, to make sure he's following the rules we've set for the Polyhexians, of course. Primus forbid anyone find out I actually feel responsible for the old mech. I mean, I helped trash his city after all.

My new commanding officer doesn't exactly approve of these visits, but he also doesn't try to stop me either. I don't know whether I should be grateful or suspicious.

...Wow. I've spent way too much time at Dark Mount.


	10. Chapter 10

Don't own.

**Entry 10**

My last visit with Icon was a bit different from the others. I had invited him to join me at one of the local clubs for some high-grade. Most of the other 'Cons were on-shift, so it was the perfect time to talk without having to watch what we said.

I never really thought about it, but we both get pretty vocal when we have a few cubes inside us. I don't mean loud, just that we don't bother hiding how we really feel about the war, the leaders, that kind of stuff. Luckily, I had the sense to get a corner table in the very back so no one important heard, and I say important because service drones don't pay any attention to anything that's not an order off the menu.

Icon had quite a few more cubes than usual, so I thought something was wrong. When I asked, he started one of the longest rants I've ever heard. He said he couldn't understand why I choose to stay with the Decepticons when I can defect or just plain disappear at any time. He blamed the 'Cons for "turnin' so many young'uns into killers" and in turn kill mecha way before their time. He also cursed the High Council all the way back to when it began for the caste system which started the war.

He went on for a long while. I mostly just sat and stared, my cube halfway to my mouth. I knew he didn't like the 'Cons or the Council, but until then, I hadn't realized just _how_ much he hated them, or us, I should say.

Eventually, he ran out of steam, dropping his cube and slumping in his seat, so I took him back to his place. It was interesting how many mecha stared as I practically dragged him through the street. I'm a bit bigger than some Seekers, because of my weapon system and the type of Seeker I am, but when someone is passed out on your shoulder, it doesn't matter how strong you are; they're still heavier than scrap.

I left him on his couch in the living area (it'd be a bit too invasive if I had entered his berthroom) and headed back to the barracks.

Icon's a good mech. He really is. I think he should start a new life somewhere else to get away from the war. There are Neutral colonies everywhere in the Omega Quadrant, far out of Decepticon reach; maybe I can convince him to join one of them.

On a side note, now that I've spent the last few orns with Icon, I realize why I was bothered by his disappointment. The mech reminds me of my Sire. It's strange. I haven't really thought about either of my Creators since they rejoined the Well. I think I mentioned once before, but that's it.

My Sire, a big mech called Firefight, didn't like the Council either, and he particularly hated Vos's Senator, some sleazy mech named Contrail. Sire was his bodyguard. I remember him coming home many times, growling under his breath. I didn't understand a lot of what he was saying, but I heard "Contrail" and "blaster to the helm" a few times, among other less than polite things. I think he would have prefered guarding the Seeker Princes; they were a lot less pompous than the senator, from what I gather.

I wonder if he would be disappointed if he knew I had joined the Decepticons?


	11. Chapter 11

Don't own.

**Entry 11**

The city is under attack. Again. Seems that the Autobots have decided to take Polyhex back.

It started three orns ago. One klick, everything's quiet and orderly, and the next, all Pit breaks loose. Bombs falling and laserfire flying everywhere, mechs screaming, either orders or in pain...

My CO, kid called Barricade, had tried to get the civilians (i.e. potentional allies to the Autobots) to take cover in the "bomb shelter", but about half had turned on the escorts and managed to get out of the city. Far as I know, they were taken in by the Autobots, although I suspect more so they could be interrogated.

I was in the air most of the time, dog fighting. I might not like fighting, but I must admit it's quite..._exhilarating_, coming out on top. Of course, after the adrenaline rush ends, I'm sick to my tanks. Never fails.

I'm about to go on patrol with a rookie trine, so I should probably end here. However, I'd like to note I actually saw the Prime in action for the first time four solar-cycles ago. The mech matches Megatron. No doubt about it.


	12. Chapter 12

Don't own.

**Entry 12**

I believe I mentioned in an earlier entry our problem with energon. Well, we are now down to our last leg. With _regular_ energon, I should say.

For the past few orns, Commander Starscream has been off-world for long periods of time on Trypticon station. I didn't have the proper access to know exactly what he was doing up there, but I was told to deliver a few packages between Megs and him in the past. I never knew what was inside, mostly because I couldn't really be bothered to look. Now I wish I had.

Dark energon.

The fragging life source of Unicron. How in the world did he manage to create that? It's unbelievable.

It's power is unbelievable, too. Before, a couple hits would have taken out the largest of us. Now, our smallest scout is able to take on a full-grown frontliner. Because of it, we're pushing the Autobots out of Polyhex, what little they managed to get into, I mean.

There's a problem though. Mecha are getting increasingly violent and crazy, more so than usual. Since we've been rationed it, there have been at least twenty fights that I know of. I'm ashamed to say I've been in two of those.

I don't like how I feel when I've consumed some. I don't like losing control over the smallest of insults when I can take a full-blown beating and not feel any animosity to the other mech. Much, that is.

Hopefully, we'll be able to control ourselves later on. If not, the Autobots will no doubt win. But I can't help but wonder if that's such a bad thing,


	13. Chapter 13

Don't own.

**Entry 13**

I think the Dark Energon is messing with my recharge-cycle now. I've had these weird dreams for about a deca-cycle. They're about the war, I guess, but something's wrong. I mean, even more than it already is.

First off, the Prime isn't the Prime. It's someone else. I don't know his name, but he's definitely not Optimus. He looks younger, and the only way I can tell is he's not wearing a face guard.

The other thing is the guy who's leading the Decepticons...he's not Megatron. But he's also not Commander Screamer. I don't recognize him at all. Same with his Lt. Matter of fact, I don't recognize any of the Decepticons. The only reason I know it's them is the insignia.

The planet is still Cybertron, but it's more...worn. The sky's a different color. The landscape's barren, as in there are very few buildings, at least where they are.

There were bodies lying everywhere. The Prime is fighting whoever the 'Con leader is while surrounded by them. I don't think the two spared them a glance.

I woke up as they came at each other one last time. I don't know what that was or where it came from. I honestly don't want to know. If that's our future, I'm almost glad I was dead in the dream.


	14. Chapter 14

Don't own

**Entry 14**

We've pushed out the Autobots with minimal casualties on our side. A first. Megatron was pleased, not that I really care.

I've just found out Icon's dead. Killed in the last few cycles of the battle by a "stray" blast of laserfire from a 'Con blaster. Bit suspicious if you ask me. Whatever. Doesn't change the fact the old mech's gone.

I had told him about the dreams. He thought I was finally losing whatever sanity I have left. I kind of agree.

I'm going to miss the old guy. It's not protocol, but I'm going to try to give him a proper burial, instead of being left to rust like the rest. I'd tell his family, but he never mentioned any and I wouldn't know where to start looking anyway.

But I'm going to look into these dreams, just in case he was wrong. Maybe there are some side effects of Dark Energon Commander Screamer doesn't know about. First, I'll somehow have to get to Iacon...


	15. Chapter 15

Don't own.

**Entry 15**

It's been a vorn since my last entry. In that time, I've...cut a deal with the Autobots' Chief of Special Ops. I spy on the 'Cons and give them a heads up whenever Megatron plans to attack Iacon or the sparklings' hideout. I didn't tell him I was planning to anyway.

So, yes, I was able to get into Iacon and stayed there a short time before returning to Polyhex. In that time, I met someone who knew quite a bit about Dark Energon. His name was Alpha Trion.

The mech claimed that my dreams were...premonitions of sorts. He said while nothing is set in stone, that the future is always changing, what I've been seeing is one possible outcome of the war. I believe it too.

They would go away if I stopped consuming Dark Energon, he said. However, if I continued, I might see other outcomes. Some might be even worse then the current premonition, then again, they might be better.

It doesn't really matter, because Megatron ordered all regular Energon stores to be converted to Dark. That means more crazies running (and flying) around. I'm not sure who to pity more, the Autobots who have the misfortune of fighting Dark Engergon-high nutcases, or us, when we have a psychotic leader who lets us fight each other.

What the slag happened to the guy who preached about a better Cybertron for all Cybertronians? Not that I ever believed it, but still.

I have no remorse for what I'm doing now. As long as I keep Freefall safe, nothing else matters.


End file.
